Can Asian Americans Be Alpha Males?

6 min readJul 6, 2021

Negative Feedback Can Drive Positive Change

*Image by Ciker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay*

“You will never be a vice president in this Corporation,” asserted my boss. One of the few Corporate Officers in our company, he had stature in our large corporation of 140,000 employees. When Jack spoke, everyone listened. The year was 1999 and we were having one of those, “what do you want to be when you grow up” conversations. I had worked with him for over a year. After I got over the shock of his assertion, I gathered my courage and asked him, “Why not?” and he bluntly told me: “You are not an Alpha male.”

I was a senior Director at corporate headquarters, and nearly everyone who was anyone in the corporation, knew who I was. I was visible, effective and a recognized successful change agent. So, I was taken aback by his message. After a few days, I asked him, “If I am not an Alpha Male, what am I?” He thought about it and said, “You are a highly competent Beta Male.” There is no such thing! A PhD from Purdue, he made it up on the spot.

The terms Alpha and Beta Male were not in my lexicon. So, I went looking. My search for books or articles on the Yahoo search engine yielded no results. The books on Alpha Male were still to be written. At that time, our company leadership was dominated by white males. So, by assessing those men, I guess I did know what an Alpha Male was. A macho guy. Take no prisoners. In-your-face. Loud. Gung-ho. Pushy. I saw examples of this at a training session from two peers who were in each other’s faces all day long and yet, drinking buddies in the evening. When I asked them about it, they laughed and responded, “we are from New Jersey!”

Jack told me that he had never seen me pick a fight in public with anyone. Why would I do a rude thing like that? That could make someone “lose face”. My style was one-to-one problem resolution. I had learned win-win in my negotiating classes. So, I was confused and confounded by this feedback about being a Beta Male. It finally dawned on me that my good manners and behavior were now being perceived as weaknesses and not as strengths.

Having grown up in India, we were taught to be deferential and respectful. Reverence to age as well as organizational hierarchy is considered good manners. Very similar to Japan and other Asian countries. Hierarchy in families and organizations is a cultural norm.

In Hindi, there are three words for “you”: tu, tum and aap. The first is used for people younger than you or lower socio-economic status, the second is used for equals, and the third is respectful. In our family, we were taught to use aap for everyone other than close family or friends. Tu was practically forbidden. How to address someone was part of good manners. Now my cultural upbringing had become my challenge.

I approached a friend of mine in Human Resources and shared my conversation with Jack. A seasoned coach, Cynthia challenged me to verbalize my discomfort. After some healthy discussions, I was convinced that I wanted to be an Alpha male, or at least be seen as one. So, she said, “Let’s go work on it.” Her plan was to identify the gaps between an Alpha Male and a highly competent Beta Male and then work on closing them.

With the help of an external psychologist’s assessments and Cynthia’s tough-love coaching, I learned a few new skills and identified the three cultural behaviors that I had to change. I now refer to them as the three rules that I had to learn. Although these rules were specifically for me, I would submit that they apply to many first generation Asian Americans. As I often say, our languages may be different but our values are the same.

Rule #1: The only person in-charge of my career is me: Speak up.

We were taught in our native countries in Asia to work hard, work smart, and if it is meant to be, it will be. It is kismet, karma, fate. But not in the US of A. Here we need to learn that you have to drive your own career. You need to find your next assignment/promotion or training. I learned to speak up.

Rule #2: The best way of making sure that you don’t get something is by not asking for it: So Ask.

In other words, if you want something — a promotion — ask for it. However, Asians don’t like to ask — we prefer to be asked. Even if we were starving, we have to decline any offer of food at least twice before we could — hesitatingly — say yes, the third time. Now in Asian countries the offeror also knows that you are going to decline it twice, so they asked you the third time. What happens in the U.S.? How many times have we even been asked twice? I learned to ask versus waiting to be asked.

Rule #3: Pull is stronger than push but no one pulls someone who is not pushing themselves: Raise Your Hand.

In Asia there are many phrases that are used to drive behavior :

“The nail that sticks out, gets hammered down” … Chinese

“The bird that doesn’t hide itself gets shot” … Japanese

“Don’t sing your own praises like a parrot”…My mom in India

We were taught in Asia that being pushy is rude and yet in this country, we recognize and reward the Alpha Male! I was told by an HR leader that Asian Americans don’t want to be leaders as they are not knocking down his door to get promoted. We can’t wait to be pulled up — we need to push ourselves to get there.

Many Asian Americans can be categorized as highly competent Beta Male/Female. We just need to identify the cultural gaps that may be holding us back from achieving our full potential in the US.

I have often been told by Asian Americans: “I want to be true to myself and not become someone I am not”. I totally agree. However, there are skills that one can learn without giving up your values. As my friend, J. D. Hokoyama of LEAP said: “Keep your values. Learn new skills.” Just like corporations have development programs for leadership skills, there are skills for personal and cultural development. Soft skills that can help us close the gaps. Speak, Ask, and Raise Your Hand.

Jack’s blunt and honest — even though negative — feedback changed my career’s trajectory and I will forever be grateful to him for that. Less than two years after Jack’s feedback, I became a vice president. In another couple of years, I was running an 1800 employee organization across seven states, with an annual budget of over $700 millions.

My journey from being told that I was not an Alpha Male to becoming a successful senior executive required me to understand the difference in the cultural norms between my native country and my new home. I didn’t become a macho, gung-ho, in-your-face guy, but I delivered results and exceeded expectations. Most importantly, I learned to identify and close the perception gaps.

Can Asian Americans be Alpha Males? Resoundingly yes. The definition of Alpha Males has evolved over the past two decades and a Harvard Business Review article defines them as “highly intelligent, confident and successful.” Most of us can be that. One may need to work at it, but it is very achievable.

So, what are your gaps and what are the three rules that will close the gap for you?

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Also published in The Orinda News October 2022 edition: