The Fine Art and Gift of Feedback — Giving And Receiving It
Personal Feedback is Not Common in the Asian Culture.
“You are bright,” said Professor Raymond Yagle, my advisor, “but you need to speak up in class.” I had gone back to college after working for eight years, and this was his feedback during my first semester.
As some of our classes included class participation in the grades, this was valuable feedback.
This may have been the first honest personal feedback that I got — and I was already 30 years old!
Cultural Background: One would think that with four siblings, both older and younger, I would have got a lot of feedback. But growing up in India, personal feedback was frowned upon. If you said something nasty, someone may say — “that doesn’t reflect well on you.” But that was the extent.
Over the years, I have discovered that lack of personal feedback is not unique to India, but is prevalent across Asia.
This article is not about the annual formal HR performance reviews but about the ongoing feedback — the feedback that can be a gift. It is an art, both in giving and in receiving.
Value of feedback: Feedback can provide one with invaluable information. We all have blind spots. Feedback may help identify some and hopefully, overcome them.
Feedback is an essential element of personal growth otherwise as it is said, “you may be drinking your own bath water.”
Personal Experience: I spent over 28 years with a large corporation. We were fortunate to have internal and external consultants who supported leadership development.
My first encounter with a leadership development consultant was with Dr. Joe Thigpen. He had been assigned to work with our organization to develop a high potential team for a high risk/ high visibility project. After talking with three of my current and previous bosses, his feedback was that although they thought very highly of me, they felt that I came across as flippant. I wasn’t even sure what being “flippant” meant. So I asked and discovered that my corny sense of humor made me say funny, but inappropriate, things at the wrong times.
Again, I had no idea. However, once I had the feedback, I could do something about it. After that, I was more thoughtful in my responses and was better appreciated by my bosses as well as our customers.
Executive Level: When I interviewed for a special assignment, my boss told me that this was a temporary assignment for a couple of years, and asked if I had a plan beyond that. I told him that if I didn’t do well, I didn’t deserve to be taken care of and if I performed well, the corporation would take care of me.
Two years later, my executive coach, Dr. Lois Frankel*, told me that I was being too passive. She advised me that I had to take charge of my own career versus waiting for the corporation to take care of me. This feedback was a surprise as I had always believed that if you worked hard and smart, you will be taken care of. I learned from Dr. Frankel’s feedback, that does not happen at the executive level. We discussed this extensively, and I developed a proactive road map which helped me find my next promotion.
Giving Feedback: It is not too hard to give positive feedback to a subordinate on a job well done, a target achieved, or some excellent behavior. The art is in giving personal feedback that may be negative. Negative feedback should be balanced with some positive comments.
Feedback to a boss, a peer or a friend needs more thought as it may or may not be appreciated. I had a wonderful boss who, unfortunately, didn’t know how to finish his speeches. There was no get-off-the stage chart or wrap-up comment. So, when the time was right, I gave him some feedback, and he was very appreciative.
The challenge is to provide feedback in a timely manner, in a neutral environment, and in a supportive fashion. Feedback is a gift so it needs to be delivered as a present, not criticism.
Feedback for good service received on an airplane, a restaurant, a hotel may take a few minutes of your time, but it will mean a lot to the individual. It is also good practice. Sometimes, a thank you note written on a paper napkin will be received with gratitude.
Receiving Feedback: It’s always appropriate to ask for clarification when given feedback, as long as you’re not actually rejecting it before you’ve taken the time to analyze and evaluate it.
Even if you don’t agree with the feedback, take the time to thank the person and digest what s/he said. It may clarify each other’s expectations and build a stronger relationship.
Again, feedback is a gift, receive it graciously as you would receive a present.
The best people to give you feedback at work? Your boss’s peers, your peers and your subordinates. However, ensure that you have a good working relationship with them before asking for feedback.
When I was promoted to take over a major organization, within the first 60 days, I got on the calendar of our stakeholders and asked for their feedback on our organization’s performance. That helped me define my vision and strategy for the organization.
Processing Feedback: Feedback is worth only what you do with it. Many people refuse to accept feedback or start rationalizing their behavior.
Think about it. If it conflicts with your perception, talk to a third person. Once you accept the feedback as genuine, then figure out how to address it.
I have found it helpful when processing feedback to take what I find to be useful and then leave the rest. Everyone’s feedback comes with their own angle — from their own experiences etc. Looking for patterns is helpful since it’s not possible to please everyone nor react to every point of feedback given by each person.
Giving and receiving feedback well can be two valuable tools in your tool kit. Change is hard and the only way that a change becomes permanent is by practice, practice and more practice. So, practice giving feedback and asking for it. Remember, it is an art and a gift!
Summary: My third coach, Cynthia Smith, added: “I believe that the majority of feedback occurs in informal or fast moving discussions/meetings — not in coaching sessions. A large part of personal development occurs for the individual who is attentive to the off hand comments made by others in meetings or in social interactions. Stay attuned to all feedback, both positive (reinforcing) and negative (embarrassing) and seriously consider how it might help you achieve your goals. Analyzing negative feedback, accepted as potentially true, can help you discover areas of development that you hadn’t considered or taken advantage of previously. Spend some time viewing yourself from the perspective of others and see how it makes you feel.”
I couldn’t have said it better!
My three coaches told me that they enjoyed coaching me as I was willing to ask for feedback, able to take feedback — and do something with it. After all the years of coaching, all three are now good friends.
And my siblings? They feel free to tell me now — the good, the bad and the ugly — what they didn’t tell me when we were young, and we are happy to share the memories!
*Dr. Lois Frankel, author of the best selling book. “Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office”
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S. K. Gupta is a former senior executive of a Fortune 50 corporation. He enjoys researching and writing about the not-so-obvious things in life. Feedback welcome. sk.gupta.us@gmail.com.
